maraschino

Postscript - The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest

So, my silence for the past week only meant one thing -- that I did not get the job.  I kind of had a feeling I wouldn't but when it was confirmed and realized, boy was it a devastating blow.   It's not that I haven't been rejected before, but the headhunter told me the reason for the rejection was that they didn't think my "accountability" was up to their standards or somesuch bullshit.  I was so shocked at that revelation that I couldn't even compose a response.

As promised, there were tears at the news.  Thankfully, I didn't speak to the headhunter until I was ready to leave the office.  I'm sure the pained look on my face was evident.  As soon as I got on the train, the tears started to flow and almost didn't stop until I got off.  All I could think of was how wrong they were about me and how everyone I've ever worked with could tell them otherwise.  It angered and saddened me.  I had never felt so frustrated.

Of course,  a lot of the let down was my dreams of telling my current employer to kiss my ass was only just a mere fantasy once again.  I was miserable.  It wasn't just the rejection per se, it wasn't just feeling stuck in my current situation, it was all that AND the fact that my accountability was attacked and wrongly deemed unfit.  As the week went on, I became angrier and angrier.

Then this morning, I got an epiphany -- the email that I was going to send when I thought I was "on the fence" but didn't, I will send in rebuttal to the rejection.  WHAAAAT?  Oh YES I DID!!!  All the things I wanted to say but didn't I could in a follow up email.  And nothing brought me back to life again more than thinking about what I was going to say.

I think the timing was right being that it was exactly one week ago, and hoped that I wouldn't receive the "official" rejection letter in the mail today.  I still may get it tomorrow but at least my message would have gone out there and they would have received it first.  I drafted my response in a blank Word document before fine-tuning it for sending through the electronic airwaves.  I made sure to say everything I wanted to say and give several reasons why they are wrong in their assumption of me.  Maddening!

I re-read it over and over to make sure the tone wasn't harsh or otherwise "offensive" in any way (though with those people, who knows what they'll make out of it).  I wanted to get my feelings across without making it look like I was in attack mode.  I think I accomplished what I had set out to do.  I even closed with wishing them luck in their continued search.

Yea, I got rejected once again.  But I stood up to my beliefs and defended my honor.  They can take it or leave it or make up stories about it for all I care.  I did this for me.  I did it to let them know that I'm not going to take their wrong assumptions lying down.  I may just be the first person ever to rebut a job rejection, but at least saying my part has made me feel better.

Perhaps I can use this experience as a future example of how I handle things.

 

Suffering in Silence

I had been thinking about the potential job opportunity all weekend long.  From the lack of communication I noticed from the agency on Friday, I surmised that the company decided to pass on my candidacy.  Then, I received a reply email from the head of the department which was short and non-informative (as far as decision went).  I wasn't sure how to read into it.  Since then, I had been agonizing over whether or not to create another message to send to the VP who replied.

All weekend I would think of bits and blurbs I would put into this message.  The premise would be all the reasons not to look any further because I was the one they were looking for.  Then I would go through and list all of my attributes and how it would pertain to their working environment and their ultimate success.  I thought long and hard about these things.  I was determined to give it one last shot.

Wondering what they really think of me and their decision has really been making me anxious.  I have had crazy dreams, anxiety-ridden dreams and overall just very unpleasant dreams.  Now I can't even escape real life while I sleep.  All the horrors of reality are infiltrating my world of sleep.

The time has come for me to decide if I am to go through with the one last ditch effort to pushing for my cause.   However, the more the night goes on, the least I feel like it doing it.  Part of me feels like it's pandering, like I'm begging for something which a decision has already been made.  Yet, another tells me to give it a nudge in my favor in the event they are still on the fence.  But, there's no guarantee that another message would put me on the favorable side of that fence.  I mean, will it come across as desperate?  Pandering?  Pathetic? 

It's half past eleven o'clock at night.  If I were to write something at this time, it may not be as coherent as it should be.  However, some of my most insightful thoughts do come at very weird, off hours of the night/morning.  What if I write my message and they turn me down?  What if my message pushes me onto the wrong side of that fence?  What if my message turns a yes into a no?  There are so many possibilities...I just don't know if whatever I decide will be the right decision.

After all, I did give it my best.  The first round of interviews went well, I thought.  I enjoyed meeting the individuals and could see myself working well with these folks.  Unfortunately, I don't feel quite so confident about the second round.  I met with the VP and another high-ranking person.  The VP (I think) is the person whom I initially spoke with during a telephone interview which, I may add, went extremely well.  The conversation went well and both she and I were very excited about taking the next steps.

I did not meet her during the first round of interviews because she was out on vacation that week.  During the second round, we finally met.  I don't know exactly why, but I don't feel we connected as well as we did during that initial call.  I think (I hope!) I was able to answer her questions and even clarify some issues but now that I think more about it, I'm not so sure.  She seemed nice and assuring when there were some elements of the job I said I hadn't done in the past (sourcing, etc.).  She then asked me about how I left my last recruiting job which made me feel rather uncomfortable.  As if she were looking to see if I would leave this job for another.  Do they expect people to be with them forever?  I wasn't quite sure how to answer lest I look like I was just being normal and seeking out other options (especially after putting in a significant amount of time at that job)!   Despite my honesty, I felt some hesitation on her part...I can't put my finger on it, but I just don't feel like I bowled her over like with the phone interview.

Then the next bigwig...she seemed okay.  Told me a lot about the culture and her beginnings.  She and the rest couldn't say enough about how their current "star" walks on water.  Sounds like they're trying to fill some big shoes.  I just hope they remember that those shoes didn't start out so big and she (the star) even told me that she had quite a challenging learning curve to get over.  Nevertheless, I couldn't get a definite reading on Ms. Bigwig #2.

Then, I shadowed a person which whom I would be doing the same tasks.  It was rather strange jumping into the middle of her workload without knowing much of what was going on, but I think I got the gist of it.  I'm not sure what they were looking for ME to do, but I was polite and tried to ask pertinent questions and at the same time, remember what she was doing in the event I were picked to also do that.  (Sigh!)  After an hour of shadowing, I met with the other manager (from the first interview) again.  I think I would potentially be working with this guy (should they pick me) because he had a lot of questions...some I've already answered, some were the same question asked in a different way.  I wasn't sure if I was being tested or not, but I gave the benefit of the doubt and answered each question as earnest as possible.

I came home feeling less than satisfied with my performance as I had during the first round.  Of course, I had the stress of getting to work and writing the thank you messages in a timely manner.  I really tried very hard to pick significant points out of each meeting and thank the interviewer for their time while reiterating my interest and providing reasons why I should be picked.  It was exhausting.  I don't even know...

Well, it's getting rather late.  I don't think anything I write at this time would make any sense, anyway.  Besides, they may already have their decision made and I would be just spinning my wheels and wasting my time.  Of course, there's that saying, what have I got to lose, but in this case, I could lose quite a bit.  In the game of uncertainty, sometimes we just have to take a step back and let the chips fall where they may.

 

The Waiting Games, Part II - The Girl Who Played with Fire

Well, as I feared, I hadn't heard back from the agency today. AAARRGGGHHH!!  Why do I fall for these crazy ideas?  Theoretically, an agency is supposed to work for the candidate (and the client, I suppose), but in reality, they are only concerned for themselves.  Period.  There should be some sort of universal disclaimer all over agencies' buildings saying, "Warning, proceed at your own risk.  This, as with all agencies, is only out for its own best interest.  Do not fool yourself into thinking that they have your best interest in mind.  You have been warned."

Perhaps not all agencies are necessarily that evil, but until I meet the .0000001 percent that isn't, I'm sticking to this theory.

The one thing I did find surprising today is a (albeit delayed) response to the thank you messages I sent yesterday.  It was strange receiving it at around 3:00 pm...I wasn't quite sure whether or not to check it right away lest it upsets me so I couldn't function for the rest of the day.  So, I waited...and waited...and waited.  In fact, I was so apprehensive about reading that email that I waited until I was on the train and nearly halfway home before I psyched myself up to finally open it and read it.

I really didn't know what to expect but I knew that offers weren't generally given via email, but then neither were rejections.  Much to my relief in a weird way, it was pretty generic, non-revealing response to my thank you email from the day before.  As much as I wanted some sort of resolution to my anticipation, all I got was confusion and fuel to over-analyze.  Another one of my obsesions.

So, I decided to reach out to the agency person once again via email to try to get some answers from her.   Guess who I haven't heard from in over 24 hours?  And, guess who's not surprised.  This reeks of the last experience I had...either the agency person knows everything and doesn't want to tell me right away, or she's putting all her efforts toward another candidate she may have in the mix, or because she knows they passed on me, she has turned her focus to someone else and is blowing me off hoping I'll just go away now that I'm no longer of any use.

This isn't to say that my rejection is unfounded...I mean interviews become subjective once contact is made.  However, I question the involvement and commitment of the agency who brought the parties together.  I asked her for constructive feedback.  Perhaps she doesn't have any yet, but some sort of acknowledgement, especially during this time, would have been a nice courtesy.

Did I mention I hated going through agencies?  When will I ever learn?

The Waiting Games

I am exhausted. I just had a second interview today at a company I would really want to work for. Unfortunately, I'm going through an agency who found me and hooked me up with the company. What's unfortunate about that is, in my experiences, agencies are unreliable. And, the last time I had that magical second interview (and did not get selected), it was brokered by an agency. I'm feeling very bad deja vu.

However, part of me feels I shouldn't be so negative, it's still unknown as to my plight. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel helpless and at a disadvantage. No employer wants to amass the extra expense of hiring through an outside source. When it comes down to nickels and dimes, they're going to be as frugal as possible with their decision. I'm at that depressing, nerve-wracking point of playing the "waiting game." And I haven't heard a peep out of anyone from the "thank you" emails I sent. After sending the messages after the first round, I heard from at least two. This time...only crickets. Makes me think negative thoughts. Not a very good feeling. Because, again with the deja vu, this was exactly the situation during the last second interview I had at a firm which I really wanted to work for. In that instance, I was told that a decision was to be made by the end of the week. Well, the end of the week came and went, and the beginning of the following week came and went, and all my calls and emails to the agency went unanswered. I sense the beginning of a very unpleasant set of events.

I have already tried psyching myself up for having to spend more time enduring my current dreadful predicament. I just hope it doesn't make me so sick, it ends up killing me slowly in an agonizing, drawn-out, painful death. Suffering from chronic stress and hypertension cannot be good for one's health.

One thing remains certain, regardless of the outcome, there will be tears.

A Jackpot of Hope

Tomorrow has probably one of the biggest, if not THE biggest lottery jackpot in the country.  Last I checked, the jackpot was $500 million.  Yes, half a billion dollars.  That's a lot of bread.  And butter.  And all the condiments you can shake a stick at.  But, let's get down to the nitty-gritty of the deal...fantasizing about winning.  Everyone who plays has a wish, a dream of what they would do with the winnings, and those hopes are what keep some of us going.

"Imagine what a buck could do" is their slogan.  Ok, so it may not be the slogan for the Mega Lotto but it pretty much applies to anything you can gamble a buck on.  You ask anyone what they would do with a million dollars, you will get a million different responses.  I, for one, would be the "coolest" lottery winner in the world by giving a lot to charities and other worthy causes.  Of course, I'm not even going to begin to deny that I would pay off my mortgage and other bills and put enough in the bank so that my family and I could live comfortably for the rest of our lives.  But, it wouldn't really be all about the spending for me.  I would give to charities, not just for the tax write-off, but because there are so many worthy causes out there that have been hit particularly hard by the economic downturn.  And there are many, many truly worthy causes out there.

The first thing I would do quit my job (another fantasy all its own!), and become a philanthropist.  Oh, the things I could do if I didn't have to worry about when my next paycheck was coming or what office politics bullshit I had to endure for another day!  It would be a pleasure for me to give, and use my efforts for good for a change (and not perpetuating the evilness that the company I work for does).  To not have to deal with anyone I don't want to and be able to walk away from bad situations is also another luxury.  Oh the dreams I could dream!

Of course, I wouldn't try to handle all of the money on my own -- I'd hire a consultant and a financial advisor.  These people would be carefully screened, background checked, etc.  People preferably referred to by close friends or respected colleagues.  I'm sure if I thought about it, a lot of money could be spent on just maintaining my fortune.  Of course, if it meant keeping it from hemmoraging, it would be well worth it.

Another thing I would do is to write everyday.  Theoretically I could do that now, but sometimes my inspiration doesn't manifest itself until 3:00am or  4:ooam.  And sometimes, I'm just afraid to say what's really on my mind for fear that I'll be found out.  I want the freedom of saying what's on my mind without repercussions.  Wait, this is USA, right?  Well, contrary to popular belief, freedom of speech is often stifled (in my experience, anyway) by what future employers could find out about you and (wrongfully) assume.  I'm usually awake in the early hours, but if I stayed up for another hour just writing, my energy level for the day would just suffer.  I value my sleep, I just don't get enough of it because I like to stay up late and wake up late morning/early afternoon (ha!).  I'm truly a night owl.  However, with the freedom of not having to clock in everyday, I could be very well-rested, inspired and actually enjoying my life.

Unfortunately, the reality is I have a better chance of getting struck by lightning as a Sasquatch is carrying me off in a UFO piloted by unicorns.  But, for now, I have hope.  For a fleeting moment, there is hope that my dreams could actually come true.  Chances are, I just wasted $4.  But if that's all it takes to buy a dream even for a moment, it could be just worth it.

I'm sure I would be the coolest lottery winner ever.  I just wish I could prove it!

 

Un-Happy Friday

For those of us who have to work for a living, there's nothing more we look forward to than a Friday, especially after a long work week.  That has been true in my situation for many, many years up until recently.  What I never thought would happen, happened -- my co-workers and I are actually dreading Fridays.  So why the sudden change of heart?  Since the middle of January, the company I work for has decided to go on a pink-slip spree.  No kidding, in one week alone, we "lost" 5 employees!  The sharks are definitely circling.

After the initial shock of the mass exodus, we never dreamed that it would happen again, week after week.  After the first five individuals, which, by the way, we couldn't find rhyme nor reason for their demise since they were not in the same department, and some not even from the same office, they kept dropping like flies.  One was a 20+ year veteran of the company, one was a temporary employee and the rest were in various stages of being colleagues, friends and comrades.  It has truly been devastating and scary.  The news keeps coming week after week.  The "geniuses" at the upper management level who make these decisions clearly haven't thought through -- or they don't care -- how this would impact the rest of the staff.

Unfortunately, it's quite obvious to us that the Big Wigs' philosophy leans towards more toward the not-caring end of the equation.  That's just too scary and predictable for us to be able to contain our anxiety over.  We are all a crazy, nervous mess, not to mention the people who initially loved their jobs and weren't disgruntled are now nervous.  No one is safe.  Way to go shithead Big Wigs!

Tomorrow is another Friday.  The fourth Friday since the initial shock of the first casualty.  I have a feeling no one is going to wish anyone a Happy Friday because they haven't been happy for several weeks, and if they let another unsuspecting individual (or 5) go tomorrow, we are not going to associate Fridays or the company or the Big Wigs with anything remotely pertaining to "happy" for a long time, if ever. 

It had been evident for some time that the company's procedures with regards to their dealings with personnel were rather questionable, but this sort of thing is just reprehensible.  Despite the fact that the individuals affected so far were our friends and colleagues, yes we know there could have been a completely legitimate reason they were let go.  However, as we see it at face value, they way it was handled was highly insensitive and very insulting.  Whatever dignity these people had were stripped on the day they were let go.  It didn't have to be that way, but that's how the management (mis) handled it.  Highly questionable, indeed.

Having spoken with a few co-workers over the past couple of days, it's no surprise that everyone is on edge.  We can only reassure one another that if we know in our hearts and our heads that we have tried our best, there's nothing else we can do but accept our fates.  It's too bad that the morale is at an all-time low (considering we thought it had already been at an all-time low, it actually got lower!).  The only people that aren't worried are the executive staff and the individuals making these seemingly senseless, sadistic decisions.  

The rest of us can take solace in knowing that, like a lamb to slaughter, any one of us could be next.  In a twisted way, it has brought us a little closer together and made us kinder to each other in anticipation of the looming dread ready and waiting to pounce upon any one of us.  Not surprisingly, it has made us very wary of the decision-makers in the company and has polarized the peons from the bigwigs.  Those decision-makers have not only done a disservice to the people who make the company run, but have put their own reputations at risk.  Who among us can trust those that are supposed to support and encourage us?  If this is their idea of leadership, we want to detract. 

 

 

And In The End...

According to the Mayan calander the world as we know it will come to an end this December.  I don't know too much about the details of this calendar that has the Nostradamus-types up in arms, and it makes me wonder what other ancient civilizations' calendars showed, but some people really believe this.  As for me, I can't even believe the 21st Century weathermen/women - sorry, meteorologists, who can't even "predict" the next few days' weather with any accuracy.  Not to pick on the Mayans, (but it is their calendar that started all of this) but if they were so accurate with the end-of-the world prediction, why didn't they predict their own demise and take precautions to extend their own civilization at least until the end of this year?  If THAT were to happen, I would be preparing to live it up from now until December 21, maxing out my credit cards, eating everything in sight and partying like it's 1999.

I decided not to have a "new year's resolution" this year, not because I don't have a laundry-list of personal attributions I can improve upon, but because I'm a firm believer that new year's resolutions were made to be broken.  It's almost inevitable.  Does anyone know anyone who has kept a new year's resolution?  I don't.  And I've been around for many, many years.  I'm a firm believer that people can resolve to engage in self-improvement anytime of the year.  As the saying goes, "better late than never."  If I declare a new year's resolution right now and I break it tomorrow, there's no way I'm going to think I can start it again and it would count.  It wouldn't count.  I called it a new year's resolution and broke it within the first month.  I lost.  I can't go back.  Too much pressure to keep.  For a society with notorious major commitment issues, new year's resolutions are the LAST thing we are going to be successful in maintaining!

So, what's in store for this year?  Well, since I'm not going to count on the world ending in 12 months, I guess I will have to keep planning for the near future.  Self-improvements?  Sure, I have that laundry list to choose from.  I'm also going to try to remain employed.  I'm going to try to obtain employment elsewhere becuase of my extreme dissatisfaction with my current situation.  Unfortunately, the economy is still in the toilet and it doesn't look like it's going to really improve much any time soon.  To be sure, the jobless rate has gone down, but finding work is still a difficult task.   In the meantime, despite the unpleasantness of real life, we must keep on keeping on.  Life is too short even without the looming apocalypse.

 

'Tis The Season...

First of all, I know the true meaning of Christmas and Hanukkah has been lost throughout the years and replaced by commercialism and capitalism.  What really singes my shorts is not only are we inundated by horrible shop! shop! shop! commercials, but that many of the TV ads think it's cute to diss, or outsmart Santa.  First of all, Holmes, no one disses Santa and expects me to be okay with it.  Secondly, in my own little way, I have purposely imposed a boycott against these establishments that think it's "cute" to attack poor Santa.  Note to advertisers now and in the future -- Santa will always rule, beeyotches!

Another ad that really boils my blood is the one from a certain online bidding/buying site.  Their horrid commercial consists of an off-key, smarmy, ungrateful, brat who "sings" about all the terrible gifts the people IN THE SAME ROOM gave her last Christmas.  She was clearly brought up by a pack of selfish wolves who knows no manners and therefore couldn't pass any onto her.  Nor, does it seem, has she ever set foot in a church and listened to a Christmas sermon, whence the true meaning of Christmas is explained.  Instead, this selfish, entitled snot proceeds to criticize her family and relatives for giving her the "wrong" gift.  Giving.  Her.  The.  Wrong.  Gift.  The only logical resolution to that would be to not give her anything ever again.  And ship her to Somalia to do charity work for a year. 

So what am I doing about Christmas this year?  I do not mean to indicate at all that I am better than anyone else during this holiday, but I do try to keep the true spirit in mind.  I'll admit, I go through the same old steps everyone else does and buys gifts for certain people in my life.  This year, however, is a bit different for me because I am going to give more than usual to the local homeless shelter this year.  As someone who spent years (yes, that's years with an 's') trying to get a home loan modification, I could just as well be one of those homeless.  I was a normal, working, tax-paying citizen who, like many others, found herself suddenly unemployed during the tanking of many businesses in the past 3 years.  I found myself unemployed for 7 months and making the full mortgage  in only the first 5.  In the last two months of my unemployment, I was only able to make 2/3 of what the total should have been.  When I finally found a job (look up "underemployed" and you'll see my photo there -- but hey, I'm grateful to be working again), I applied for a loan modification and from the process, you'd think I was asking for the President's blood sample.

Long story short, after many tries (applying, getting rejected, applying again, ad infinitum) I finally got the modification.  I can totally relate to those in the shelters, living out of their cars, or otherwise down-and-out.  It can happen to anyone.  Hopefully this isn't my last post before Christmas, but if it is (after all, 'tis the season to be busy with holiday stuff), I wish you all a Merry Christmas, or Happy Hanukkah, or happy Festivus to the rest of ya's.

 

 

 

 

Long Time, No See

Here's the blog I thought I lost! Woohoo.  It looks like I stopped blogging when Lost ended.  I really loved Lost.  I lived Lost for a long time.  Now, it's time to move on.  Real life is often more interesting, and a lot of situations that happen just can't be written.  No matter how crazy and twisted my imagination can be, sometimes nothing can equal the twisted $#!% that happens in real life.  And, that stuff is definitely worth writing about.   Even though a lot of "writable" stuff has happened to me in the past year, I was sorely lacking in the intent to write them down.  Of course, much of what happens is best captured during the time, or shortly after it happens, not years later.  However, I also buy into the saying, "better late than never." 

The good news for me is that now that I've rediscovered my blog (one of either 3 or 4), I can write my thoughts down once again.  The bad news for you...is that I can write down my thoughts again!  But seriously, I often have something to say.  People may agree, or disagree...that's what makes America the best country in the world.  As for the other blogs...I suspect they won't be lost for long.

Maraschino - out!

Never Again

Despite the fact that I've been sorely absent as of late from my 4 (or is it 5?) blogs, I do love to write. I just suffer from procrastinationitis. Terribly. As you can tell from my Lost Tawk blogs...I think I crapped-out mid season six. And, it was the last season of the series! Not to worry, though (as if, HA!) I will do the remaining episodes. At some point in time. Maybe even this year. But I can't promise.

Ok, so what on earth compelled me to volunteer to write some letters for my ding-bat boss? (Sidenote, my dingbat boss makes all previous bosses look like Oprah. That's another rant for another time.) I plead temporary insanity. Before all my readership (all 1 of you) and all of humanity and God, I swear to NEVER do that again! First of all, they are letters to vendors about inaccurate accounting practices. WTF?! We are NOT in the accounting department! Then, she nitpicks at them as if she knows what she's talking about. Newsflash - she NEVER knows what she's talking about. One letter she say not too be too "harsh," and to just tell them that "next time..." please comply, etc. But the very next letter, she says to "put some teeth" into it and tell them the request will be returned for correction. I'm no accountant by any means, but these letters can be condensed into two sentences to get the point across without sounding douchey. But her crazy, brainless, over-bleached mind needs to make things more difficult than they should be. Oy vey!

So, lesson learned from me -- no more volunteering to do dingbat anymore favors, and any letters I write will be solely from ME. Y'all heard it here first!

Ironically, one of my newest (and emptiest) blogs is my "Letters to ____" that I created on another site. Well, turns out I cannot access that site to post from my (apparently not-so-smart) phone. Guess my next letter should be to T-Mobile...!

QotD: Endings

Yes. I'd say that falls under the saying about Death and Taxes being the only things one can count on in life. All things will come to an end, eventually.